sometimes i dont know if im doing the right thing. and sometimes it kind of gets so frustrating i wished that i could erase it from my memory. 

okay! was supposed to post about this yesterday but i was so tired and couldnt be bothered to :> yesterday's funfair was quite awesome :D just that its not very crowded and the number of stalls for food and drinks quite little too! Liyi was like hungry hungry hungry and she has this sudden craving for sausages yesterday o_o 406 did carwash for the teachers! it was overall quite okay~ and we managed to play with some water too! buttttt there were some cars that are incredibly high and dirty. -.- even i cant see the top you know, need like mr eric tan then can see?! haha so need to climb on the chair and jump jump jump! i guess it looked quite amusing. most of us were thoroughly wet lorh, liyi wasn't even wet?! -___- .. and i didnt really take much pictures yesterday :( how to take pictures when im washing cars! but tiffany took care of my camera~ haha it was spammed with liyi's and tiffany's photos totally. i filtered it :D

our last funfair, somehow i have some kind of mixed feelings. like you dont know how it will be like over at hc, and this is one of the last major events we have as a class :( so its kind of saddening but it was a fulfilling carwash! looking and everyone stretching to clean the top of the cars and stuff! and there were cats hiding under the cars so when we splashed water over the car the cat will just run out of the car (practically sprinting) and we'll all get a shock! HAHA  black cat ran out of a car and joey was like o___o .. and after that we went to watch monte carlo! joey me liyi hwee and xueying! but hwee in the end she had to go to expo and then she couldnt watch anymore :( so only left me joey liyi xueying! the show was quite interesting actually haha the guy that likes grace (selena gomez) quite cute lorh haha his accent is like (Y). HAHAH :D so cuteeee. and i just realised actually salty popcorns can be quite nice too :D but im fine with sweet too cuz i like caramel :D

okay here are some photos! 
it was a beautifully wonderful day yesterday just that i was very sleepy and tired and i didnt get to go shopping :( but its alright monte carlo was a good show too <3

sixers thank you for everything yesterday.

 okay i kind of forgot to post about the zoo! i went to the zoo on thursday with my parents im like a small little kid to them and everybody around me were like really literally small little kids with their parents i felt odd but oh well the zoo was interesting but i didnt really take much pics. i didnt get to see the polar bear which im very sad about :( apparently the polar bear should be the cutest right!! :D but i saw ahmeng memorial thats so saddening and there's this cafe which is opened just for the remembrance of ahmeng cute anot :D

and and after the zoo i went to see MR POPPERS PENGUINS omg cute max seriously penguins are soooo cute cute cute. hint hint shuyi. HAHAH :D they make weird noises though í wanna go watch the movie again hehe any movie date? :D

 sometimes i dont know whats wrong with you or whats wrong with me. we just aren't the same anymore and if you can cruelly not say a single word and turn away, i believe i have the courage to do so too. i was just naive enough to believe that things will actually get better and everything will become like how it was in the past, but lingting you are dumb to have thought that way really. 

school's reopening in 2 days time, maybe with so many bustling activities with my teammates i wont keep thinking about things over and over again that will probably get me depressed in a few weeks time. this holidays were like zrrooooom, and now it's almost over. carnival was good. it really was. the only regret was that not our entire batch was there. it ended off well, but somehow it's not exactly that fulfillment yknow. it's just .. different, even though we got a medal, we got it for our team, but its just .. different. 

liyi told me people were changing. really? will that be how we're like when we go JC, then everybody will start to change. if thats the case í'll really rather stay at 16 when everything is still nice. i hate facing changes. exams exams exams, i'm in no bloody mood for studying totally dont feel like touching my books just wanna slack slack slack slack slack.

i dont know what im feeling right now, i'd call it mixed feelings perhaps. follow your heart or follow your mind i dont know.

these people are the ones that make it so much so much better thank you <3

and now i've just seen chuan's comment, idk. hcnetball, i've been so scared of asking my parents nowadays. they just flare up and i dont know what are they going to do next. and all i've been talking about is my ankle injuries, back injuries, tailbone everything. but i forgot about one very very important factor that affects me more than any of those injuries, my migraine. it kills me every training. after every training i feel like dying without that goddamn medicine. i wasnt even supposed to take intensive sports, but i threw myself in nanyang netball and gave it my all and now, another 2 years of hcnetball. i dont know. trying to get my parents to agree is already such a difficult task that sometimes i dont even feel like talking to them anymore. i've got to decide soon i dont know what my decision will be.

and when i doubt myself again and again, yet im still stuck in this very same spot.
And SRC 2011, muddy dirty rainy wet smelly. but yes nanyang netball, 2nd and 3rd <3 the last part of nynb journey, im proud of it.

i miss young times really. like how everybody says that they love each other, but words are afterall just words i really want things to become better somehow in one way or another. but i know, its not easy to change their mindsets anymore. thinking about hcnetball makes things very depressing idk how long more i can last, whether or not i'll regret it, but first and foremost, how to get through my parents. 4 years of netball, tiring. extremely tiring. runs and everything, all those things i used to dread so much. waking up every morning thinking about training and intervals scares me. but yet there's this part within that cant i cant imagine myself not playing netball. maybe i should stop thinking and let things naturally unfold. 

dq said no matter what decision i make, just be sure never to regret it. sigh is it really that easy. nobody sees the future and never did i ever think of myself becoming a stronger player like now, improving so much for how i used to be, this journey will it just end here. everything has become so different till i cannot even adapt, yet day after day i can feel myself becoming more and more tired, energy draining away. whats happening lingting whats happening. everyday you try to put up a strong front to make things seem like everything's alright but actually deep down inside you know it's not. you know it's far from being alright, you know you yourself ain't feeling alright. who knows one day everything will burst out and suddenly you'll feel better but how many people will that hurt.

stop thinking stop thinking stop thinking, and delude yourself that everything will be better.

it will, somehow.

 i wonder is it just me being over-sensitive or is it the truth somehow í can feel the distance now that we're getting further and further apart, fights so hard to get back that feeling but it's just gone, like literally gone. trying to make myself believe that it doesnt matter but somehow i know deep inside that it does matter. no matter how much i say that it's okay, deep down inside i know that i'm not. things change people change, it's so different now that i cant even adapt to the change i cant believe what im feeling now, what im seeing. the promises we made to stay together, i dont know if its our fault or not but after 3 years that we've been waiting for, this has to happen. sometimes i'm just at a loss of words as to what to say to pull everyone else up, but even i myself dont have the energy to carry on.

peer pressure when everyone talks about the future im uncertain about mine what will i eventually join how am i going to persuade my parents, those are not the only factors but there are others too that we have to consider, and its really not just about whether or not we have the passion alright its really not that simple. passion, doesnt overwrite everything. sacrifices have to be made but the problem is just, which one? am so tired of making choices, really hate to make choices feel like going back to the past where everything has been decided for everybody just goes along with it and knows that all we have to do is continue on with it. 

i just somehow dont like the feeling of growing up anymore, adapting to a new environment :( 

let things naturally take its course and stop thinking, cuz im too drained out for that. every 1111, i'd pray that things will become better, if not, at least be the same as last time. cuz this is our last year, i dont want to leave this school with regrets and knowing that those memories i could never get them back.

this has been such a long journey. such a tiring one that made all of us feel like ending it all one point in time but yet we managed to pull each other through and survived it till nationals top 8. so close to our goal, yet so far. all of us had so high expectations of ourselves and we knew we could have made it to top 4, but this journey just had to end here. b div 11, such an enriching journey i was glad i didnt give up halfway i was glad i made it through. ups and downs, regretted for games that i didnt treasure and tried to give it my all in return. the journey seemed to have ended so quickly, and zonals were like just yesterday. somehow i didnt really mind going through everything again, just one more chance to have a go at it. but yet, the truth will always be the truth sec fours are stepping down. every single game still fresh in my mind how we won as a team and how we lost as a team. 

all the intensive trainings we survived, we survived as a team. and no matter what, regardless of the fact that we didnt get into nationals top 4 i'm still very very very very proud to say that im so proud to be part of this team. there were downs when we played like shit and we woke up from it. a rollercoaster ride, yes it was. it was. the adrenaline rushing through every single game not knowing how we'll fare. this journey gave me so much emotions that i feel so overwhelmed, and nanyang netball b div 11, has been one of the best things that ever happened in my life.

thank you b div 11 <3

 
t

 cuz if you dont work hard now you wont ever ever ever have the chance ever again nglingting i dont know what's wrong with you what made you throw away so many balls until you were even frustrated with yourself. whats the point of defending and tipping the ball when you cant attack down . seriously wake up lingting wake up wake up wake up you dont have anymore chances after this.

i really dont know whats wrong with me what the hell is wrong with me this feeling within that sucks so much but yet, i know i've got to practise and practise and stay calm, i know it up in my head but why the hell am i not doing it.

disappointed. if you dont grab this last chance, you'll never ever get it back ever again.

and then, even a million sorries wont change the truth.

 ( when life rips you apart )